Daily Telegraph - 27 November 2007

LIFECLASS with Lesley Garner

CAN I EVER FIND LOVE IN THE COUNTRY?

A single mother isn't finding rural life as warm and welcoming as she had hoped it might be.....

Dear Lesley

I would be most grateful if you could suggest some way out of my situation, which I am sure isn't unique.  I'm a single 38 year old with a 6 year old son.  We live in a small country town where I work part-time.  My problem is the difficulty of meeting people for companionship and, possibly, marriage.  I used to have a lively time in London but, since moving here and having my son, I go out little in the evenings or at weekends, even if I could afford to do so.   

I need ideas on how to meet people with the same interests as mine, probably with small children too.

I have tried organisations such as Gingerbread, but I don't want to sit in a row of singles discussing their troubles.

This town is an odd sort of place, with clearly defined strata.  There is a nearby public school with its own close-knit community, prosperous middle-class families in the centre, and a housing estate on the periphery.  Each group has its own  clearly defined interests.  I don't seem to fit into either, though I don't think I am particularly difficult.  And there is no obvious meeting place, anyway. 

Have you got any bright ideas please?

Emma.

Dear Emma

I wonder how many people dream of escaping to some idyllic little town in the country where everybody knows their name?  The modern countryside can be a bleak place, full of absentees and empty houses - the dear little town of one's fantasy can be as lonely as the city.

So how can you improve your chances of meeting somebody?  The first website I would suggest for you is www.kno.org.uk.  KNO stands for Kids No Object and, as far as I know, it is the only website aimed specifically at people who accept children as part of the package.  It also has a parallel stream aimed at putting single mothers in touch with each other for support and friendship.

Readers have written and told me of their success in meeting their partners in this way, so these things do work.  But you have to use them.

The people I know who are determined to end their single status put energy and time into it, are prepared to wade through some disappointments, and don't give up.

I don't think your country town, or your wider area, is as empty as you think.  You just have to wave your hand above the parapet to find that there are others out there who will respond.  Good luck!

Daily Express
Thursday 22 November 2001
The Dating Game

Sarah Coe and Patrick Merry met through the Kids No Object organisation, an introduction agency for single parents. Sarah, 28, a community nurse, lives in Reading, Berkshire, with her son Luke, three. Patrick, 38, is a partner in a mechanics business and lives near Winchester. His children, Daniel, nine, and five-year old Lucy, live with him. The couple have just got engaged.

Sarah's Story

The reason for going to the agency was to get a social life again. I had been on my own for 18 months, and looking after a small child meant I didn't get out much. In June, I saw an advert for the agency and thought I might as well join. Having specified the age range I wanted my partner to be in, they sent me a list of people in my area. Patrick had also just joined and I wrote him a letter. He called me and suggested we spend a day out together with the children. We went to Legoland in Windsor and really hit it off. Luke thinks Patrick is great, and he gets on well with the other two children. We meet up most weekends, and Patrick comes over on Wednesday evenings while the children go to stay with their respective grandparents. We have just got engaged and are hoping to move in together next year when Patrick has finished the extension to his house.

Patrick's Story

I joined the agency for the same reasons as Sarah - I wanted to get out and meet new people. I was separated and had been on my own for more than two years before I met Sarah. It was a mutual decision to get engaged. It happened when I told her I wanted to buy her a ring for Christmas, and she said, "What sort of ring? An engagement one?" to which I replied: "Why, would you say yes if I asked you?" And she said: "Yes!" I didn't even get the chance to go down on one knee. The children are coming round to the idea. It's going to take a bit of adjustment for everyone, but Daniel and Lucy like Sarah and Luke. Sarah thinks my kids are lovely, and Luke's brilliant.

UPDATE FROM SARAH - 23 APRIL 2008

I couldn't help but notice you have myself and Patrick on your website under newspaper articles, so I thought I'd give you an update (as that was in 2001). Patrick and I are still together with the children and we now have a daughter together, Abigail. We all live together near Winchester, and life is good. We have recently applied for all of us to emigrate to New Zealand  and we are just waiting on an answer. We have our ups and downs as all couples do, but we are pretty strong and weather the downs well! We haven't got married yet, but life's been very busy with the 4 kids!!

Thank you so much for getting us together!!

The Independent
Saturday 11 June 1994
When the Kids are All Right

You're in a nightclub chatting to someone, and they ask you more about yourself. Tell them you're single but committed to a demanding job in the City and the image of ambitious independence will appeal. Alternatively, tell them you're single but committed to a demanding toddler in the home and you may face a different reaction. This was the experience of Pauline Jacobs, who set up her specialist agency, Kids No Object, eight years ago.

Most agencies cater primarily for single people, whose perfect partners have so far eluded them because of demanding commitments to a pressurised career. Their lists of social events aren't exactly ideal for a mother or father of three, unless they've got an extremely understanding childminder.

At Kids No Object, the emphasis is not on meeting up in numbers but getting to know individuals, initially, over the telephone or by post. Nigel Clark, 45, met his fiancee, Karen, 36, through Kids No Object 18 months ago. Previously divorced, he also found non-specialist agencies unsuitable. When he fell in love with Karen, also divorced with two young sons, he was only too happy to fit in with a ready-made family and adopt the role of father.

Nigel believes that men desire security as much as women. Kids No Object certainly seems to reflect this, attracting as many men as women. Most of the male members are divorced with regular access to their children, or are fathers who have full custody.

The fact that one-third of all marriages end in divorce doesn't seem to dissuade many single parents, who are clearly still keen to have another go. "It wasn't the idea of marriage that was wrong", says Mrs Jacobs, "just who they were married to. At the end of the day, your children grow up and leave", she says. "You've got to have a stab at happiness. Everyone's entitled to that."